To be more specific, I find that when it comes to pushing for A/V ministry growth, it has been becoming harder to find motivation and passion. Of course, as I write this, I absolutely do not want this to be misconstrued as me bashing on anyone, or bashing on the current state of the ministry. I understand the hard work that individuals spend every week for these A/V tasks to go smoothly, and I totally love and appreciate the time they have invested in accomplishing these goals. This isn’t about them (I love these guys); this is about me (as cliched as that is).

Let’s do some numbers. At my previous church, we had an A/V team of about 10 people serving a congregation of 300-350 people. So by the numbers, you have one person who is truly passionate about doing A/V, for every 30 congregation members. When I say truly passionate (let me qualify myself again, to avoid accidental offense), I mean that they go out of their way because they love audio and production – they get excited about great audio. People who love reading about live sound and learning about how much they don’t know about running sound. People who cruise live sound forums and subscribe to sound blogs.

(Side note: I’m not saying that this is where the bar is set at; the church needs people who are willing to serve, even if the focus of the ministry doesn’t align with their deepest interests, as there’s joy in serving the church together, regardless of whatever the activity may be. I’m just making a distinction to explain my next thought. And I’m not saying that if someone’s not passionate now, they will never be; in my own life, I know that passions can be sparked and grown.)

So for a church the size of IGC (between 30 and 50 people), the expected number of people who would be passionate about audio and production is… one. I guess that’s me. So this is well within expectations – why the frustration then?

I feel that there is no one to partner with, no one to spur me on about desiring excellence in live audio and production. So I get frustrated and unmotivated since there’s no one else I can talk to, even if I were excited about something audio-related. And I’m not blaming anyone – as I said before, this is an interest most people don’t have, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I feel so alone when I have thoughts of improving our audio/visual ministries, that there is no one for me to discuss with, validate or correct my thoughts, critique my mixes, keep me honest. Even if my mix sucks – who’s going to tell me? And if I’m producing sucky mixes, then who am I to even train anyone? There’s no one else to tell me if I’ve lost my edge, and I’m afraid that if I’m not even equipped, how can I equip anyone else?

Of course, my hope isn’t that my salvation will come about because I produce good audio, or can train others to produce great audio. Gut-punching bass won’t bring about righteousness and good standing before God. That’s not the gospel. And yet, there’s a frustration that comes from wanting to advance the ministry and perform with undistracting excellence for the glory of God, to the best that I know how, but on the other hand, feeling the frustration and doubt that arises from driving these changes seemingly alone.

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What I’m really looking forward to in the next few months is hopefully a growth in unity amongst the members of the church. To really get into each other’s lives, be open with one another, and love one another despite all our weirdness and problems. To be motivated and transformed by Christ’s love for us, and to not just tolerate one another or talk about safe topics but to really be able to speak into each other’s lives, and correct and encourage one another. That’d be awesome.

Top of mind is that I’ve been eating better and watching what type of stuff I’m consuming. I’m hoping to see some long-term health benefits… that’d be great. Beyond that, I haven’t really been able to sum up the rest of how I feel about my life as it currently is into nice succinct sentences in the last few weeks.

The thing that stands out to me the most from the last few weeks is a sense of almost ever-present loneliness which alternately ebbs and flows, but always constantly distracting me by intruding into my thoughts. Additionally, during my late-night drives to and from places, I have a lot of time to think about things, and I find that I can’t help but to acknowledge that at the same time, (1) the world is far more broken and has far more troubles than the issues which I continue to deal with, which pale in comparison, and (2) I can’t lose sight of my own issues long enough to learn to care and engage with how messed up the world is.

I think what I need is for the truths I know, and all my head-knowledge about the gospel, to develop into heart change which changes the way I perceive things in my life, and that I would realize my own troubles are insignificant in light of the joy that there is in the gospel, and that my priorities and attention would be radically shifted away from myself.

It was a long shot, but there are some long shots worth taking, and this was one of them.

I think I’m feeling better now than in the last few weeks, when I thought I’d have to carry this with me quietly until I got over it. Got the weight off my chest, and said what I had to say.

So I’m back to normal, if anyone’s noticed I’ve been out of sorts lately; it’s okay, I know I make it hard to tell.

If I could do it again, I’d have fought much harder.

If the chance comes up again and I still feel the same way, I’m taking it and I’m not going to look back.